My fiancé, Jeff, lost his brother at 18 (accidental gunshot). Jeff has been grieving for 18 years and is still full of rage and resentment at the loss. He is happy for Jerry (his brother) at his release from this life, but he is still angry at not having his brother to share his life with. What can I say to help Jeff be free of his anger and realize the peace, love and joy that his brother is experiencing? Thank you and God Bless.
It feels unnatural for your fiancé to be grieving his brother's death at that level for so long unless there is some part of this that he is still holding inside. Did he have anything to do -- or does he think he had anything to do -- with his brother's death? That kind of thing could stay with a person for a long time. He may have some unspoken and unresolved issues of misplaced guilt around that. This is something that only he would know, but if he does, I would gently invite him to seek a professional counseling intervention around that.
If Jeff was not involved with his brother's death in any close or distant way, it would be unusual for him to grieve this long. Even in this instance, I might want to gently hold out to him the possibility of moving through that grief and rage and resentment with the help of a professional coach or counselor. Buried rage and resentment are not healthy, obviously, and can bubble up in other contexts and in connection with other life experiences that have nothing to do with Jeff's brother. It can seriously damage a relationship, and it can remove all hope for any kind of truly happy life filled with contentment and joy.
I would surely offer Jeff my book HOME WITH GOD in a Life That Never Ends as a powerful and spiritually healing and inspiring message around the whole question of death. If he is willing to read it, he will find there what are called The 18 Remembrances. These are:
The First Remembrance: Dying is something you do for you.
The Second Remembrance: You are the cause of your own death. This is always true, no matter where, or how, you die.
The Third Remembrance: You cannot die against your will.
The Fourth Remembrance: No path back Home is better than any other path.
The Fifth Remembrance: Death is never a tragedy. It is always a gift.
The Sixth Remembrance: You and God are one. There is no separation between you.
The Seventh Remembrance: Death does not exist.
The Eighth Remembrance: You cannot change Ultimate Reality, but you can change your experience of it.
The Ninth Remembrance: It is the desire of All That Is to Know Itself in its own Experience. This is the reason for all of Life.
The Tenth Remembrance: Life is eternal.
The Eleventh Remembrance: The timing and the circumstances of death are always perfect.
The Twelfth Remembrance: The death of every person always serves the agenda of every other person who is aware of it. That is why they are aware of it. Therefore, no death (and no life) is ever "wasted." No one ever dies "in vain."
The Thirteenth Remembrance: Birth and death are the same thing.
The Fourteenth Remembrance: You are continually in the act of creation, in life and in death.
The Fifteenth Remembrance: There is no such thing as the end of evolution.
The Sixteenth Remembrance: Death is reversible.
The Seventeenth Remembrance: In death you will be greeted by all of your loved ones--those who have died before you and those who will die after you.
The Eighteenth Remembrance: Free Choice is the act of pure creation, the signature of God, and your gift, your glory, and your power forever and ever.
These Remembrances may open up a whole new perspective for Jeff, Vicci, that could free him at last from his rage and resentment.
I hope these ideas have been helpful to you, Vicci, and I am glad you wrote to me. Let me know if I can help any further.
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