I have read the CWG books 1-3, and also the book "Home with God." I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost nine years. He is the love of my life, my best friend, and my most cherished gift in this life.
Several months ago, I started having these uncontrollable fears that he might somehow die. I started phoning him to make sure he was safe at school, and started worrying all the time about his safety. Up until this point, these worries about him dying, and leaving me here, have only seemed to get worse.
I now get images in my mind about terrible things happening to him, and I remember that God said in your books to try to get rid of negative feelings/thoughts immediately, and think of something else (because we create our realities through what we focus on). I try very hard to avert my thoughts, but I still have these fears and unwanted images coming into my mind. Also, I know that "what you resist, persists," so I have also tried accepting the images/thoughts, but I am still scared I will contribute to his death somehow.
I think my boyfriend's death would be my greatest challenge, and this is why I am so fearful of it - because if this is true, will I manifest it, as a test? I know that death is every soul's choice in a way, but my anxiety is not getting any better. I am thinking of increasing the anxiety medication I am already on, or maybe going to a therapist, because these fears are starting to take over my life. I know you are a very busy man, but I would appreciate it if you could give me an answer, and hopefully, some peace.
Thank you for reading my note,
Thanks for writing. It is good to share these kinds of things with others sometimes. It can help us get out of our head about it, if only for a little while.
The first thing I want to tell you is that what you are experiencing is not that unusual. I, too, have a loving and very, very special relationship with another. She is the love of my life, and I, too, have caught myself worrying about her having some kind of accident or freaky illness or something, and dying. I've had these thoughts, and sometimes actual visions, more than once. The other day she went off on a day-trip to visit an old friend and the first thing I thought was, "Ohmygod, she's going to have a terrible accident! I'll never see her again!"
Really. I actually thought that. So the first thing I find myself wanting to tell you is...relax. You are not having a one-of-a-kind experience. I think it is very normal for people who are deeply in love to move into sudden fits of worry about their beloved. This seems to come in waves...one can go for years and never have a thought like this, and then, bam! A whole bunch of thoughts that you can't seem to get out of your head.
And, of course, it IS true that the more you try to stop thinking about it, the more you think about it. It's like trying to not think about a pink elephant. I was in a personal development class once about ten years ago and the group leader said to us, "Okay, everybody, now I want you to not think about a pink elephant." Of course, that was impossible. And so, too, will it be very difficult for you to keep these thoughts about your boyfriend dying out of your mind.
The harder you try, the more the thoughts will just keep coming. The trick is not to try to ERASE those thoughts...but rather, to add TO them...
What that means is to do this...every time you have a thought of your boyfriend dying, or see a vision of something terrible happening to him...add TO that vision by deliberately seeing a person walking up to your boyfriend and saying, "Okay, cut! That's it! PRINT IT!" Like a director in a movie. Then have the "director" say, "Okay, my friend, you can step out of the scene now. It's just fiction. It's not real. Step back into real life now."
THEN....give yourself a picture of your boyfriend being alive and well and continuing on with his life in a wonderful way....give yourself a picture of the two of you together..now, and in the near future...and even as elders who are "old and gray". Let yourself conjure up any image at all that contradicts the image of your boyfriend dying.
In this way you are adding to the data. You are not trying to erase it, but simply building onto it, to make the story END the way you want it to end.
Now, my friend, one final thing. You are not creating your boyfriend's reality. Sorry, but no one has the power to do that. You couldn't do that if you wanted to. So even if something DID happen to my wonderful lady, I would be very clear that my thoughts had nothing to do with it. All of us are independent spiritual beings, totally in control of our own reality. No one can control us from outside of ourselves, and no one can "think" us into a situation that we do not want to be in.
So if something really did happen to my wonderful life partner, I would know that she chose that, absolutely and completely, and I would honor her choice. I would feel sad, of course, but I would nevertheless honor her choice, and there is no way that I would take personal responsibility for it.
And what I make sure I do NOW is....I make sure that I celebrate, fully and completely, every single moment that I have with this person Right Here, Right Now. I don't let a minute go by with this person that is wasted. I don't let a day go by without saying "I love you!" And if I have thoughts of her death, I just take that as a normal part of the cycle of fearful thoughts that sometimes run through our minds when what we have right now is "too good to be true."
And when those thoughts come, I just ADD TO THEM whatever image I want to add, to make the "story" come out all right in the end. The nice thing about my thoughts is that I can add on to them anything that I want!
Isn't that great?
I always figure that God is on my side, and I have nothing to worry about. Even when "bad" things happen, I figure it's for my own good, and part of my soul's evolution, so I accept it, embrace it, keep loving life, and move on.
One more thing, Devon. God and the Universe know when you are thinking something that you want to come true and when you are thinking something that you do NOT want to come true. In other words, God knows not only the words and pictures, but also the heart's intent.
Conversations with God says that "life proceeds out of your intentions for it." If it is not your intention that your boyfriend die, then no matter how much you think about it, you cannot inadvertently "will him to die." So don't worry about it. Simply be clear about what your intention is. And my idea of "reversing the thought" by adding an opposite element to it is one sure way to instruct your mind as to your real and true intent.
Hope this has been of some help to you, my friend.
Finally, you might find it wonderful to read the latest book in the CwG cosmology, Happier Than God. It is all about attitude, and the Power of Personal Creation.
Have a great day!
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