CwG Weekly Bulletin #219

Neale Talks About Love...

What is love, really?

People love to be in love. Yet "love" is a big word. It's the biggest word in the language. Any language. So we have to ask...

What is love, really? Author M. Scott Peck says that love is a decision , not a reaction . It's a choice, not a response. That may be one of the most important things anyone could ever say on the subject.

True love is never the result of how another person looks, behaves, or interacts with us. It is a choice to be loving no matter how that other looks, behaves or interacts.

This doesn't mean that true love requires us to stay in a relationship that is abusive or that is no longer working or that's not fulfilling. Do not confuse the words "love" and "relationship." We are not proving that we love someone by staying in a relationship. Indeed, there are instances when we may be proving we love someone by leaving.

So it is not true that love demands that we love long after our own happiness has disappeared.

If a person is abusive to us, it is abusive to that person to allow their abuse to continue. For if we allow their abuse to continue, what do we teach them? Yet if we make it clear that the abuse in unacceptable, what then have they learned?

If we are no longer happy in a relationship, we confront one of the most important questions in life: Do we have a right to be happy?

The answer is, yes. To remain in a relationship in which you are no longer happy because "you said you would" only produces unhappiness all the way around. Maybe it's time to get out.

Of course, it is true that no one can ever really "get out" of a relationship. We are always in relationship with each other, and the only thing that changes is the form the relationship takes.

You cannot end a relationship, you can only change it. So do not think in terms of ending your relationship, think in terms of changing it. You may wish to change its form , or you may wish to hold onto the form, but change its content.

Deciding to love someone - truly love them - is a very high choice. It is the mark of a master.

Loving someone as a "reaction" is a different kind of experience. It is the mark of a student.

The danger of loving someone as a reaction is that the one we love may change. In fact, it is certain that they will.

They may gain weight, or lose it. They may alter their personality. They may change their ideas about something important to us. And if we are in love with what others bring to us in relationship, we could be headed for enormous disappointment.

So we come to the second big truth about all this: love is not about what the other brings to you , it is about what you bring to the other. Indeed, the purpose of all love relationships is to provide us with an opportunity to decide and to declare, to announce and to express, to become and to fulfill, Who We Really Are.

This is perhaps another way of restating the first truth, because Who We Really Are is a choice, not a response. It is a decision, not a reaction - although it is true that most people think it is the other way around.

When I talk to young people about love, I tell them that there are two questions having to do with life and relationship that everyone would benefit from asking.

1. Where am I going?

2. Who's going with me?

It is important to ask these in the right order. Many people switch them around - and suffer for it the rest of their lives.

First they ask, who is going with me in my life? Then they ask, where am I going? Often, the choice of destination is conditioned and compromised by the choice of companion. This can make for a very rough journey.

Recently a young woman in her twenties asked me, "What does it feel like to be in love?" I told her I could not answer for anyone else, but I know what it feels like to me. It feels like there is only one of us in the room.

When I am with my beloved other, it feels as if there is no place where "I" end and "she" begins. When I look into her eyes, it is like looking into my own. When I sense that she is sad, it is as if the sadness pierces my own heart. When she smiles, the heart of me smiles with her - as her.

I wish I could feel this way about everyone. That is what I am working toward. I am feeling it with more and more people very day.

A Course in Miracles says, "No special relationships." In other words, no one person should be more special to us than another. That is how God experiences love. There is no condition, and no one is more special than another.

It is difficult for most people to understand that. How can God love us all equally, the "good" and the "bad" alike? It is because God does not see any of us as "good" or "bad." We are all perfect in God's eyes, no matter how we are behaving. Human beings have a long way to go before they can claim that. Most of us place condition after condition on our love, and we are very fast to withdraw it when those conditions are not met.

So the third great truth about love is that it knows no conditions. There is no such thing as "I love you IF..." in God's world.

The fourth great truth about love is that it knows no limitations . Love is freedom, experienced. Total and absolute freedom. And so one who loves another never seeks to restrict or limit that other in any way. This is a tough one for many people. For many, love translates, roughly, into "ownership." Not that this is ever expressed, of course. It is simply felt. It is a felt sense of "you're mine."

Of course, in true love nothing could be further from the truth. And in true love, such ideas or thoughts are never part of the experience. No one owns anyone , and no one acts as if they do.

This has major implications, as one might imagine. So now I am going to list the fifth, and perhaps the most "controversial," truth about love that I know.

Love never says no. Not to persons of equal maturity and intelligence. (We are not talking about children here. Let's limit this discussion to adults.)

No matter what the request of the beloved, love says yes. This does not mean that personal opinions are not expressed, or personal preferences not announced. It means that, in the end, a request from the beloved is never denied. Who are we to deny anyone anything?

Again, that is difficult for many people to grapple with. Yet this is the way that God loves. I am fond of saying in my lectures and retreats that God has only one word in her vocabulary. God always says yes.

No matter what you want, no matter what you choose, he never says no.

This idea can be reduced to two-words: God allows.

I believe that the words "God" and "love" are interchangeable, you could then say, "love allows."

In the end, that is what love does. Love allows. It never restricts, it never limits, it never stops, it only allows. In true love relationships, you get to have what you want.

The final truth about love is that it always renews itself. It never runs out. So make every day your wedding day in your heart. Even if you are not married. Because you are, you know. To everyone. We are all One.

- NDW

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This is Thanksgiving Week in the United States, where I am writing this, and where Thanksgiving Day is one of the biggest family holidays of the year. But I have an idea about this holiday that is different from most Americans. I think that the holiday should be abolished.

I don't think that Thanksgiving should be a holiday at all. I think it should be a HOLY day, and placed on the calendar of all sacred days and events.

I also think we should change the way that Thanksgiving is celebrated. Forget about sitting down to a big meal and offering thanks to God for all the bounty that has been received during the past year. Instead, create a new ritual. Sit down together and thank God for all the goodness that is to come.

Do not go around the table and have each guest tell what he or she has to be thankful for. Rather, go around the table and have each guest say what they are going to be thankful for in the coming year--and then have everyone give thanks right then and there, ahead of time. It's not too late to do that this year. If you missed it on the holiday, get out the leftovers and have another Thanksgiving Dinner this weekend! Use the grace and the power of gratitude in advance! While the Thanksgiving leftovers are still hogging the fridge, make your Manifestation List for the coming 12 months. Then hold a Thanksgiving-in-Advance dinner ritual. For that matter, repeat the ritual every day for the next year. Sincerely believe and be grateful for receiving the gifts that you just know will shower down upon you from God's limitless bounty.

In Conversations with God the message about gratitude is clear. It is the most powerful form of prayer. Gratitude in advance, not gratitude after the fact.

This is because to thank God in advance for something is the highest form of faith. It is a statement of supreme confidence. It is the Ultimate Knowing.

When we come from this Place of Knowing, we move into an energy that creates miracles.

So, while it is well and good to say "thanks" for things past, especially with other human beings to whom we owe a word of gratitude, it is extremely empowering to thank God ahead of time for all the goodness that will flow to you in the coming year. It is even more powerful to decide ahead of time what that goodness will be .

Make a list. Check it twice. Write down all that you choose to have happen between Thanksgiving 2006 and Thanksgiving 2007. Read your list out loud at dinner. Encourage others to do the same. Share and Declare. There are few things more inspiring and powerful than public declaration.

Suddenly, Thanksgiving Weekend 2006 will have a new meaning. It will now be about Sharing and Declaring. It will be about Knowing and Growing. We grow into what we know.

So I think that Thanksgiving should not be a mere holiday. It should be elevated to a Holy Day. It should be the holiest day of the year. The day on which we say "thanks be to God" for all the wonder, all the abundance, and all the joys of life we anticipate and that we know in our hearts God is sending us in the coming year.

It should be the holiest day of the year because gratitude is the most sacred tool in the Creator's Toolbox. With it anything can be produced, anything can be created, anything can be experienced! Happy Thanksgiving Weekend, everyone!

This is a holiday week at the Foundation and among the many blessings that we are grateful for this Thanksgiving are the opportunities we have to share and interact with all of you. Thank you for allowing us to walk with you along the journey of your own evolution.

As each one of us becomes more aware of who we are, we lift the collective experience of the world.

Marion Black, CEO
ReCreation Foundation, Inc.
dba Conversations with God Foundation

Dear Neale...

I am once again at a crossroads in my life with no money, no home and no job and I've been here before three times. This time I am determined not to make the same choices and end up here yet again, but I am struggling.

I turned 60 in August and in September the business that I ran with my son-in-law went into liquidation leaving me owing Â£100,000 to the bank and meaning that I have to sell my house to pay back the money. As I also have a mortgage, there will be very little left from the sale. I care for my mother, who is blind and 87 and she is obviously worried about what will happen to us.

I have been in a similar situation three times before and each time I have picked myself up, got a job or started a business, got another mortgage and then ended up in the same situation several years later. I know that I am creating the situation because I am not enjoying what I do and because I am taking the first thing that comes along just to pay the bills, it repeats.

I have until March 2007 to pay the debts, so I have some time and I have been rereading CWG books and praying for help. Each time I think I have made different choices, but looking back they are the same - just a different job that I didn't enjoy any more than the last one; a means to pay the bills. I just don't know how to do it differently this time.

My children keep asking me what I am going to do; when I am going to get a job; how am I going to support myself and my mother; where am I going to live. It makes me want to run away. I want to shout at them that I don't want A JOB I want a LIFE. I would like to move away to be nearer friends who are also changing their lives with CWG , but my daughter has asked me not to go and leave her and my grandchildren. I feel like I am being torn apart and I don't have any answers, just hundreds of questions.

I know that money isn't the answer but it sure helps! If I had a home and enough money that I didn't have to work to support us, I know exactly what my life would be - an expression of the greatest version of who I really am. I just don't know how to get there. Any help would be very greatly appreciated.

My dear friend...

I am going to make this direct and to the point, if not short and sweet.

FIRST...create or get any kind of job -- indeed, the "first thing that comes along" -- to bring some money flowing into your life again. Stop beating yourself up or fretting because it is not the work of your soul or something that makes you happy or causes your heart to sing. JUST CREATE INCOME. This is your particular and marvelous gift, you have shown yourself and the world that you can do this time and time again, so stop making yourself wrong about this because you think you are doing it in the "wrong way."

SECOND...understand that this work you are going to get or create is only TEMPORARY (The mistake you made in the past was that you allowed it to become permanent...and your soul didn't want it to be. That is why it always ultimately "went away"). The purpose of this here-and-now work will be to create a financial platform upon which to build your life and from which you may embark on your soul's real agenda. Doing this work IS embarking on that agenda; it is the FIRST STEP.

I tell everyone who is unhappy in their present work to stop complaining and start looking at it in a new way. Change your perspective and see that your present means of creating income is perfect for right now , in that it is fueling the engine of the larger experience you choose to create -- if, indeed, you are up to creating that. If you are not, you absolutely will be caught in a dead-end job, trapped in a prison of your own making.

Yet if you USE your present work as a TOOL in the CREATION of your most MARVELOUS TOMORROW, you will see this work in a new way: as a BLESSING and a PERFECT CIRCUMSTANCE; as an important PART OF THE PROCESS of NEW REALITY CREATION. Presently you are seeing the work you are doing as an IMPEDIMENT to that process.

It is vitally important that you CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE about this. Remember what CwG tells us:

Perspective creates perception, perception creates belief, belief creates behavior, behavior creates experience, experience creates reality -- and our reality creates our perspective. It is a Circle -- the Circle of Life -- and everything in the circle changes when anything in the circle changes.

THIRD...put to maximum use the TIME that this work you are going to create will buy you. Use it to COME TO ABSOLUTE CLARITY about Who You Are and how you choose to manifest that in your life. Give yourself a deadline -- a Date Certain -- for when you will make these choices. Use the interim period to draw up a PLAN for implementation of your decisions. Have a FIRM START DATE as a part of the plan. It doesn't matter when that date is. It could be a year from now, six months from now, or whatever feels uncomfortable. Yes, I said "uncomfortable." Remember what CwG tells us:

The process I am outlining here encourages you to step outside of your Comfort Zone; to push yourself to new levels; to stretch beyond previous boundaries or limitations.

FOURTH...to make certain that you are "doing it differently this time," be sure that when you make the decisions regarding your long-term life goal and livelihood that you do so from a standpoint of BEINGNESS, rather than doingness. If you do not understand what I am talking about here, immediately read Bringers of the Light , a booklet that I wrote which focuses on creating Right Livelihood. You should be able to order it from Amazon.com. It should also be available from the Store at www.cwg.org .

FIFTH...see if there is a way to pay back the money you lost in your last business without selling your home. I would even declare bankruptcy before I left myself homeless. In most countries the bankruptcy laws protect a person from losing their primary dwelling. There is no reason to have to be without a home for yourself and your Mom. This is a made-up crisis that can be solved.

SIXTH...the secret is not to "move away to be nearer friends," but to move within to be nearer God -- the best friend you will ever have. However much time you are spending each day in meditation, double it. If you are currently spending no time, or if your meditative practice is sporadic, commit to meditating at least 15 minutes every morning. Extend the time as you can. I can think of no single device that will get you started on better footing every day than this. Then...if you wish to be closer to people who you feel can support you in living your soul's purpose, tell you children and your other family members what this is about for you, and then do it. Do not let the pleadings of others tear you apart any more. You are 60 years old and you have earned the right to do as you choose, to serve your inner self, and to "be good to You."

FINALLY....you say that if you had "enough money that I didn't have to work to support us, I know exactly what my life would be - an expression of the greatest version of who I really am..." Wow, what an interesting point of view. Are you saying that having enough money that we "don't have to work" is the only way that we can have our life be what we want our life to be???? Are you saying that not having to work for a living is the only way for life to be "an expression of the greatest vision" of who we are? If so, you've just left out 98% of the world's people.

No, no, no....the trick is not to stop working, but to stop thinking of what you are doing AS "work"... whatever it is that you are doing. Whether it is that temporary job I talked about that bridges you from here to there, or whether it is your life vision -- think of it ALL -- think of ALL the activities of your life -- as the present-moment expression of the grandest version of the greatest vision ever you held about who you are.

TURN YOUR WORK INTO YOUR JOY by seeing it as a PATH TO YOUR GREATEST EXPRESSION, revealing the Divinity that is within you. And understand that, in the end, it doesn't matter WHAT you do, it only matters how you ARE while you are doing it. Are you happy? Are you helpful? Are you compassionate, understanding, patient, kind, giving, and healing of others? Are you creative, dynamic, daring, leading? You can be all of these things, no matter what your body is doing. Are you clear about that? Do you believe that exterior circumstances create interior experiences...or that it is the other way around? I assure you that interior experiences create exterior circumstances...and so, when you experience interiorly that your present job is a "staging area," a "platform" from which you can create and express the highest and best within you, your exterior circumstances will begin to reflect that.

The CwG Weekly Bulletin is written by Neale Donald Walsch. It is produced by Joanna Gabriel and edited by Rose Wolfenbarger with technical contributions from Marion K. Black and Roger Mellon.